UK Elections 2009 – World’s Toughest Workouts Manifesto
This manifesto sets out the policies by which the Worlds Toughest Workouts (WTW) working party intends to reverse the rot which has set not only in the general public in Britain but also amongst those who wrongly believe ‘going to the gym’ three times per week is an achievement.
We intend to show fatties and ‘exercise enthusiasts’ alike that ‘build muscle, burn fat’ is not the be-all and end-all of life but should be a very fast and natural side effect of training for more meaningful physical goals.
It is our intention that all people in Britain shall understand that physical and spiritual enlightenment is something we must all strive for by regularly battering ourselves with Intense Conditioning training and taking time to just chill out and relax before we well and truly ruin both ourselves and our planet.
Communities
• Restrict access to all fast food joints to those with body fat above 15%. Anyone found lying about their body fat levels will be given a power bag of weight equivalent to 50% of their bodyweight which they shall carry around until body fat is reduced to 15% or less
• Build on the Labour Government’s extended schools programme ensuring that all schoolchildren perform five intense physical training sessions per week. This is not an option.
• Actively enforce competition in schools, clubs and playgrounds nationwide. Those parents who believe competition upsets their child or makes them feel like a failure will be flogged until they throw out the households Wii Fit. They will also be shown why the lack of competition and intense exercise in schools is largely the reason why most of our athletes fail miserably against the Aussies and Americans.
• Fit all local parks with a sandpit for throwing kettlebells around, pull up bars for people of all heights, sprint tracks, and wheelbarrows with heavy stones to push around.
• Close all playgrounds to children after 7pm to enable brutal bodyweight circuits to take place. Fat mothers who sit around watching them and not joining in shall be required to attend the first 20 minutes of these sessions or until they are no longer able to stand up
• Require anyone wearing a hoody in a threatening manner, spraying graffiti, dropping litter, smoking cigarettes, pushing 5 children in an all-in-one push chair whilst wearing a pink Adidas tracksuit, using park benches to sell alcohol to under 18’s, listening to music on their phone in a way that enables anyone outside of their own ears to hear, or using words such as ‘safe, bruv, innit, Lacoste, you wot?, blade or weed’ in inappropriate ways to complete 1 year compulsory service in the armed forces.
• Require all gymnasiums to learn and teach kettlebell training to an exceptional standard to all members. Steppers, cross-trainers, recumbent bikes, aerobics, canteens, fat gym instructors and lycra for anyone with body fat over 15% shall be banned. All shall be equipped with aforementioned kettlebells, power bags, tyres, sledgehammers, dumbbells, power racks, ropes and clubbells.
• Apprehend anyone seen ‘yogging’ alongside the river and require them to attend 6 weeks of Pavement Pounders Anonymous until they no longer feel an addiction to plodding but get an adrenaline surge at the thought of sweat-drenched interval training.
• Require all users of elevators and escalators to produce identification to prove they are over 70 years old or have an age-related injury.
• Install a team of ‘Fatty-catchers’ in every city, town, village and McDonald’s. These people shall be impounded and made to complete 4 hours of manual labour each day whilst living on green vegetables, lean protein and healthy fats. Once they are able to see their own feet without leaning forward they shall be released.
• Ban internal phone calls or emails in businesses to encourage the flabby loafers to make the effort to climb the stairs and have a face-to-face meeting with the other person.
• Encourage men to be men by preventing the slippery slope towards a nation of metrosexual second-division soccer players characterised by spiky, gelled blond hair, rosary beads, more bangles than an African queen and belts that say Jesus rocks. Anyone man leaning on a bar with an alcopop falsely inflating his chest and ‘peacocking’ by showing off his bling shall be required to drop and give us 50 on the spot.
Housing
• Ensure that affordable housing is developed across Britain providing grassy outdoor exercise areas within 2km of every house.
• All houses shall have a minimum ceiling height limit to enable kettlebell snatches
• Work with developers to increase the supply of eco-housing which has sufficient land to grow your own produce.
• Make better use of empty military housing and surplus brown field land to build indoor bootcamp-style ass-kicking areas where pain and sufferance are rewarded with free organic food after the session
• Ensure that the right balance is struck between providing the houses that local people need and maintaining Britain’s countryside so that there are plenty of areas for hill sprints, mud wrestling and tractor pulling. 5% of all bails of hay must be left in the fields for a period of 3 months after harvest for the purpose of lifting, throwing, dragging and jumping over.
• No housing blocks shall install lifts but install a fireman’s pole and rope climb for those on the higher floors. The fatter you are, the higher up the building you shall be required to live in order to make rope climbs harder.
Empowering individuals and families
• Recognise the valuable contribution made by fitness trainers who don’t sell themselves short by failing to set killer goals for people or being soft on people failing due to laziness or lack of commitment. Trainers who fire clients who refuse to eat clean, healthy food 90% of the time shall benefit from reduced income tax at a rate of 10%. These funds shall be reinvested in outdoor fitness areas.
• Ensure the most vulnerable members of our community are supported and protected, enabling them to maintain independence and dignity. Those who fought in the trenches shall pay no taxes and shall be paid to talk to those who think hardship occurs when the latest Big Brother series ends, the ready-meal section of Asda no longer has 25% off and when the elevator in Primark is broken requiring them to drag their fat ass up the stairs.
• Promote closer working between heath and social care services to ensure that all frontline services give the best possible health and social care to all those who need it. The following people do not fall into the category of ‘needing it’…
o People who complain about their diabetes but continue to eat processed shite, scoff desserts and think not supersizing their cola is going on a diet.
o People who want gastric banding because they find it ‘just too hard’ to eat healthily because of their ‘busy, stressful client entertainment job’
o People who do aerobics five times per week but still look like they just robbed a Michelin factory and have now given up because ‘nothing works’
o People who were given a diagnosis of a dysfunctional thyroid by the Doctor who bought their qualification at www.youarefrigginclueless.com (Gillian McKeith that applies to you)
o People who have lung cancer having smoked 20 per day for 20 years
o People who have heart complaints but just can’t find time for exercise meaning they really need that operation. Stop clogging the NHS up you feeble, weak-minded potato.
• Require those seeking obesity related treatment to first undergo a rigorous 6 week daily training and nutrition plan before even being considered. Any more than a 5% deviation from the rules shall result in being put to the back of the queue until the program has been successfully completed.
• Ensure that all disabled children in Britain have the support and opportunity they need to fulfil their potential and are not told by their lazy, able-bodied friends that it’s okay to accept their difficulties. These people often have the spirit to be something much greater than they are allowed by their carers.
• Fine the parents of obese children £5000 if their child fails to complete at least 5 hours of intense exercise and eat non-processed food 90% of the time for a period of 12 weeks from the time of being caught. A charge of child abuse shall be brought against those parents who enable their defenceless children to get into such a state that they cannot run down the road.
Economic growth
• Work to further develop fitness / adventure tourism across the British isles.
• Work with businesses to develop a health and wellbeing orientated economy that will protect Britain from fluctuations in economic prosperity due to fat bankers who see no excitement or achievement in life beyond adding up things, inflating things, valuing things in monetary terms and entertaining each other with such falsity that it makes the trained individual who has happened upon a national sporting event (due to genuine interest in physical exertion and sacrifice for the cause) to vomit.
• Ensure that people in Britain have access to world class health and fitness education and training, guaranteeing that everyone has the opportunity to develop their fitness and mindset to enable a peaceful, productive and highly efficient workforce.
• Ban over-time. It shall not be required because the workforce will be so energized by regular physical ass-kickings that all work will get done in the set working hours of 7-3 leaving afternoons for group practice of strength and conditioning, QiGong, food preparation, further education and chilling the hell out in the interests of being lean and athletic and enjoying life rather than rushing around all the time.
• All businesses in the health and fitness field (excluding aerobics teachers, Weight Watchers, Lighter Life, Slimming World and all pill-mongerers) shall be subject to 0% corporation tax. All businesses engaged in profiteering from selling fast food, cigarettes, aerobics DVD’s, vibrating muscle toning machines and any other product which either induces obesity or falsely leads people to believe it has a magic solution shall be made to pay a social accounting tax on profits of 40% to help support the National Health Service which is over-burdened as a result.
• Corporate boxes at major sporting venues shall be removed with 10% of tickets given away free to those who have achieved the best results in their physical training and testing.
Public transport and seated areas
• The total weight of body plus baggage shall be used to determine excess baggage limits on all flights within and leaving Britain. A scale shall be used based on waist:hip circumference ratio to determine actual luggage allowed.
• No person spilling over on to the adjacent seat shall be allowed on public transport, planes or cinema seats.
• Any person waddling into the cinema shall not be allowed to purchase from the sweetie section but may buy from the fibrous vegetable stall which will be a requirement in the license of the cinema. They shall also be refused a seat and instead be ushered to the treadmill area at the back of the cinema.
• Public busses shall operate a measuring system similar to that used to check heights on fairground rides to ensure a person is not too fat to get through the door. Doors will not be made wider to accommodate such people.
• Cycle networks shall take priority over all motor vehicle access ways. Cyclists shall be given priority at all junctions and shall not be reprimanded for sticking one finger up at the pie-eating fat white van man even if they are in the wrong.
• Every house shall be connected to the aforementioned parks by bus.
• No child shall be allowed on the bus if they are overweight, nor their irresponsible parents. Thou shalt walk.
• All children cycling or running to school shall be rewarded by being allowed to leave one hour earlier. This extra time shall be used to practice kettlebell swings and snatches and to learn that not being able to do at least 10 pull ups and 20 push ups for the rest of your life is a disgrace.
Crime and policing
• Work in partnership with the police, fire service and ambulance service to reduce crime and anti-social behaviour by forcing all miscreants to spend 6 months in an intense training unit in which they will learn the value of hard work sacrifice and shutting the f**k up when they are told to by their elders who did 8 hour training sessions out in the fields and in the mines.
• Support and extend community and neighbourhood policing to give law enforcement officers the power to arrest anyone taking up more than their fair share of the pavement or aisle in supermarkets.
• Encourage supermarkets to make trolleys smaller with a special fruit and veg section at the front of the trolley. If this is full when at the checkout, a 20% discount shall be offered.
Summary of policies
The Worlds Toughest Workouts working party aims to rid Britain of the bullshit, lazy attitudes which have infected our country leading to an obesity epidemic and the misguided belief that gyms, aerobics and diet companies are the way forward to solve the problem.
It also looks to extend its influence to rid the internet of those so-called experts who constantly push fat loss as the ultimate goal in life.
We question your spirit, your integrity, your morals and your bollocks when the only thing you can think to write about and encourage people to do is to choose between tacos and tortillas in order to lose another 1lb of fat this month. We suggest you get a grip and challenge both yourself and those who follow you to chase bigger dreams, more challenging goals and to focus on achieving experiences you can be proud of in your final days.
Those who make the effort to engage in training that borders on Grievous Bodily Harm, healthy eating practices as a habit and seeking spiritual enlightenment in life beyond what’s on television, BodyPump and their next pay cheque, shall be rewarded.
They will subject to lower taxes, receive free air miles to go see other like-minded people the world over and be given free organic vegetables and grass-fed beef every Sunday.
All teenagers shall be given, by the government, a set of kettlebells, a portable pull up bar, a jump rope, a power bag and a pair of trainers on their 16th birthday.
They shall also be given a free copy of http://www.intenseconditioningworkouts.com to ensure they get lean, strong and athletic in record time.
Please note for all those who may not have guessed just yet, this is a something of a piss-take!
However, the ideals which underpin the policies are not, and I truly believe the world would be a better place if they were taught to people from a young age and reinforced before the active, vibrant, energized, dream-fuelled actions of our youth are dampened when we are told getting a job and a mortgage is all life is about.
This manifesto is a work in progress in preparation for the General Elections of 2010 in the UK. If you would like to contribute and help me perfect the manifesto, please email me at jon@stormforcefitness.com
Jon Le Tocq
Twitter – www.twitter.com/jonletocq
Blog – www.worldstoughestworkouts.com
Kick-ass 12 week strength and conditioning program – www.intenseconditioningworkouts.com
I’m starting the quest to find the World’s Toughest Workout with a 10 minute challenge!